(This was first published February 22, 2011)

“I’d like to return this Valentine’s Day card.”

I can help you with that. … Um, you know that this has writing on it, right?

“Yep. I wrote that.”

You can’t return cards that have been used.

“Two weeks ago, I was in here. I bought a sweater. The first time I wore it, the sleeve started to unravel. You took that back.”

Yep. The sweater was defective. How’s the new one?

“Great. Thanks. Now, about that card?”

But you can’t return cards that have been used.

“The other month, I was in here. I had a toaster. It didn’t heat up. You took that back.”

Yep. The toaster was defective. Were you able to find another one?

“I went to another store and they were able to give me what I wanted. Now, about that card.”

But you can’t return cards that have been used.

“I wore the sweater. You took it back. I used the toaster. You took it back. Why are you making a scene about the card?”

It’s different. You can’t return cards that have been used.

“But it didn’t work. I wrote in it. I gave it to my wife. And it didn’t work. So I would like a refund.”

What do you mean, exactly, that it didn’t work?

“Isn’t that a little personal? I mean, you have pictures of men handing women cards and the women smiling.  And pictures of men handing women chocolate and the women smiling. And I won’t even start to tell you what happened when other stores showed pictures of men handing women diamond bracelets. But it didn’t work.”

You mean your wife didn’t smile when you handed her the card?

“It was more of a snort.”

When was this?

“On the 16th. I got it when they were marked down.”